Borderline Personality Disorder

So John's known for a while now that i have something wrong with me. Not like bad wrong, but something is off in the way that i act. Last night i had yet another emotional meltdown while i was talking to him. This morning i apologized again (and again and again) for it and we kind of started talking. I told him that i was fine and that whatever i thought was wrong, it was all in my head. He pretty much said bull, then surprised me by saying that he does think i have a personality disorder (to be specific, borderline personality disorder, named because it was thought to be borderline psychosis- encouraging, huh?). I was pretty much shocked from here to whatever. I had a normal childhood, wasn't abused, and the only mental disorder in my family is on my dad's side (my aunt has clinical depression). Yeah, i've joked around about stuff like that before, but never have i actually thought i had something wrong. John, however, thinks there is, and after researching this, i actually have to admit that i agree.
     Borderline Personality Disorder is most commonly found in women and is marked by "intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, at most a day." People with BPD are often cutters, are full of self loathing, have trouble keeping any kind of relationships, are afraid of being alone, and have trouble finding themselves and what they want to do in life. I read over the symptoms, and i knew that it was me that they were talking about.
     I know, i sound so dramatic don't i?
     Right now, life's not bad. I'm pretty content at the moment, almost to the point where i feel like i don't need help. But i also know that in a few hours i'm going to be frustrated and hurt because John is going to go to bed instead of talk to me. Because i get that way almost every night. Some nights are a lot worse than others. Last night was a very bad night.
     I always joked that i had bi-polar disorder because my mood changes were so frequent. But people with bi-polar disorder don't all of a sudden go from one extreme to the next. People with borderline personality disorder do. And if you know me, you know me well enough to know that i do. I can be so happy and carefree one minute, and then punching myself in the gut the next. Those who know me know that i can't stand myself. So, i'm finally going to suck it up and get help. Not for me (because if it were just me, i wouldn't dream of getting help because i'd still be convincing myself that whatever i'm feeling is all in my head), but for my family, and my son.

So yeah. Just thought i'd share. Here is the link if you'd like more info on BPD:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml

These are my confessions

I have a confession. I LOVE photography. Not just love it, no, i ADORE it. I have for a really long time; it’s just lately that i’ve become a lot more serious about (and by lately, i mean in the past five years or so). My favorite things to take pictures of are plants and animals. I would die to be a wild life photographer! I want to swim with dolphins and play with wolves and be able to capture things that other people can’t.

This is where my dream shatters. It’s hard to take a picture from a different angle that hasn’t been done, because it’s almost always been done. Sure, you can put your own unique twist on it, but it’s not going to guarantee you a spot in National Geographic magazine. Too many people today are picture takers (i refuse to call them photographers because they aren’t). As someone put it so nicely to me today, “Go for it. Be a photographer. Everyone else is.” How do you stand out in crowd full of people?

Another reason i haven’t pursued this dream is because i am terribly afraid of what others might think. I do have friends that are professional photographers. My last want is for them to think i’m copying them or just doing what they’re doing (kind of going back the “everyone else is doing it” quote). My wonderful husband would love nothing more than for me to take a flying leap into the unknown. I’m an overtly withdrawn person. I don’t take leaps. I prefer to stay in my own sheltered world where there aren’t any risks and i don’t have to worry about failing. I’ve almost literally given up on any dreams i may have once had because of my own misgivings.

But not today. Today i have made the commitment to follow my dreams. I am going to pursue my dream of photography. I will find a way to stand out in a room full of other people. I’m not going to hide because i’m afraid of what others are going to say. Yes, other people’s opinions matter to me, but i will not let them dictate what i can and can not do!

My name is Victoria Hershman. I love to take pictures of wild animals and plants, as well as of people because they tend to have a while side as well. Starting today, i’m going to pursue my dreams instead of squashing them.

What are your confessions?

My mommy lied

If you're like every other child living in the USA, there are two phrases you grew up hearing: "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up" and "You're very special!".

These are lies.

One of the first thing i wanted to be when i was little was a teacher. Next, a paleontologist/archaeologist. Next was a zoologist followed by an egyptologist followed by an actress. Then i decided i wanted to be a screenwriter or just a regular author. Right now, my dream is to be a photographer and a writer. I can't truly make up my mind on what i want to do, but each time i change my mind my mom is right there, telling me that i can do anything or be anything i want to do/be. That i'm special enough to do it and do it well.

But i don't believe it.

My sister in law just posted a picture she took with her Nikon. It was a close up shot of a bee on a fence. The thing that bothered me the most about it is that the focus wasn't totally on the bee. It was blurred all around it, so you can see where the camera focused. The legs of the bee were blurred, while you can see every grain on the fence. For some reason, it just didn't look right to me.

Or maybe i'm just insanely jealous.

I want to be a photographer. Taking pictures has been a big passion for years. It's just lately that i've thought of actually maybe taking it to the next level. But there's no way i'd be any more special at it than my sis-in-law.  She's not a phenomenal photographer, but i feel like i'm never going to match up to her. I can't even afford a decent DSLR camera.

I have these same feelings about my writing.

I have troubles writing anymore because i know that i'm not special enough to bring something new to the table. I'm not as good as i once thought i was. There are people that are far more exceptional than i am. What makes me think that i can even be in the same league as the people that i'd be up against in the professional world. I have nothing that makes me stand out.

So mom lied.

I can't be special. And i definitely can't be anything i want to be. There are limits to everything that i do, the most stringent are the ones that i place on myself. It's sad, really. It all goes back to jealousy. Or maybe it's just me not having enough faith in myself to see the potential that everyone else sees in me. Whatever it is, i probably won't grow up to be the photographer or writer that i want to be. But i know that i can be the best mom i can be to my son and the best wife i can be to my husband. And that is enough for me.


For now.

Ethical Torture

Here's the scenario: you've captured a terrorist and his family. He has information about a nuclear bomb that's hidden in one of the US' major cities and is scheduled to detonate soon. You have no idea where the bomb is at or the exact time of its' detonation. The terrorist isn't talking, so you bring his 7 year old daughter in. You threaten to torture her instead. You light a lighter and hold the flame next to her, inching it closer to her skin. What would you do after this? Would you actually hurt her?

I find it truly sad and deeply disturbing that this is a scenario we are even considering. I find it even more disturbing and depressing that this scenario happens more and more often in our world today. I do not agree with the concept of torture at all. I am a very peaceful person and believe very firmly in diplomatic solutions first and foremost. I wonder how the people that conduct the tortures are able to sleep at night; are able to go home and be with their families and see their children after witnessing the horrible things that they have done.

This is a very difficult scenario. On the one side, if you don’t obtain this information, millions of lives are going to be lost. In the long run, who would know or even care how that information was obtained to save those lives? In that case, the ends justify the means. The life of one for the life of many. But this decision is not an ethical decision. We, as humans inhabiting this earth, believe that it is wrong to kill another person. We believe that it is wrong to hurt another human being. Why should torture be the exception to this thinking? The morally acceptable response to this situation is to let the girl and her family leave after being questioned. Maybe one of the family members would be more willing to talk than the actual terrorist. Solutions can be reached without torture. Torturing his children may be the only thing that works on him, but why not talk to his family and see what they have to say?

 *Note: This was a discussion board post topic for my philosophy class!