My mommy lied

If you're like every other child living in the USA, there are two phrases you grew up hearing: "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up" and "You're very special!".

These are lies.

One of the first thing i wanted to be when i was little was a teacher. Next, a paleontologist/archaeologist. Next was a zoologist followed by an egyptologist followed by an actress. Then i decided i wanted to be a screenwriter or just a regular author. Right now, my dream is to be a photographer and a writer. I can't truly make up my mind on what i want to do, but each time i change my mind my mom is right there, telling me that i can do anything or be anything i want to do/be. That i'm special enough to do it and do it well.

But i don't believe it.

My sister in law just posted a picture she took with her Nikon. It was a close up shot of a bee on a fence. The thing that bothered me the most about it is that the focus wasn't totally on the bee. It was blurred all around it, so you can see where the camera focused. The legs of the bee were blurred, while you can see every grain on the fence. For some reason, it just didn't look right to me.

Or maybe i'm just insanely jealous.

I want to be a photographer. Taking pictures has been a big passion for years. It's just lately that i've thought of actually maybe taking it to the next level. But there's no way i'd be any more special at it than my sis-in-law.  She's not a phenomenal photographer, but i feel like i'm never going to match up to her. I can't even afford a decent DSLR camera.

I have these same feelings about my writing.

I have troubles writing anymore because i know that i'm not special enough to bring something new to the table. I'm not as good as i once thought i was. There are people that are far more exceptional than i am. What makes me think that i can even be in the same league as the people that i'd be up against in the professional world. I have nothing that makes me stand out.

So mom lied.

I can't be special. And i definitely can't be anything i want to be. There are limits to everything that i do, the most stringent are the ones that i place on myself. It's sad, really. It all goes back to jealousy. Or maybe it's just me not having enough faith in myself to see the potential that everyone else sees in me. Whatever it is, i probably won't grow up to be the photographer or writer that i want to be. But i know that i can be the best mom i can be to my son and the best wife i can be to my husband. And that is enough for me.


For now.