The importance of friendship

I had a long conversation with a very good friend today. She made me happy in ways i don't think even she realized.

Lately i've been incredibly lonely. I don't really have friends down here. I spend my days cooped up in either my house or my mom's house with my baby. I love my son, more than anything else in the world, but sometimes i need a break. I haven't had a break from him since my birthday when another very good friend of mine and i went shopping in Brunswick, and that was only for a few hours. I have gone crazy most every day just from lack of social interaction. I have no one to "hang out" with. And i think John is feeling the strain as well because i'm leaning on him more and more. 

I have major personality and dependency issues. The few true friends i have know this and still love me for it. But it's hard to make new friends because a lot of times they don't want friends with that kind of baggage. But, if you think about it, we're women. We all have those issues! 

Being away is really making me appreciate the few friends i had before. People i thought were aggravating or annoying or geeky before i now look on with new eyes. I appreciate their dorkiness in new ways. And i appreciate my friends all the more.

I am a very social person. I enjoy being out and about and being around people. The problem is, i haven't had that interaction in a long time, not really since i left Emmanuel. I think this is where some of my dependency and personality issues come from. I'm not getting enough social stimulation. 

Being an Army wife is not conducive to making friends. People are constantly coming and going in your life. This is one of those times i wish i could just settle some place and be happy. But i know it won't happen for a while. 

Friendship is one of the most important things in life. Your girlfriends (or guy friends) are the ones who help you get by, who help you make sense of it all. Without the love of friends we're hollow creatures. I love and cherish the friendships i have, and i do look forward to making new ones. 

Give me a break!

While i was pregnant, everyone was so nice to me. When i went to the store, people would hold doors open for me, let me get a cart before them, and even let me go in front of them in line. I had people come up to me all the time offering me advice on food, stretching, how to get rid of stretch marks, and even advice for what to do after my baby was born, like how to deal with colic (too bad i can’t remember any of the advice). But now that Balian is here and he’s over three months old, everything has changed. Instead of the friendly advice, i get criticisms. God forbid someone hold the door open for me while my arms are full to bursting with a diaper bag, a car seat holding an increasingly heavy infant, and shopping bags. And God help me if Balian starts crying in the store. Anyone i pass while he’s crying will stop what they’re doing, coo at him, then glare at me like i’m doing something wrong.

“No, he’s not hungry, he just ate.”

“No, i just changed him.”

“He’s spoiled and just wants to be held.”

So what is it with this double standard that we hold? While a woman is pregnant, she is expected to take it easy, keep her feet up, and not do anything but be spoiled. Yet as soon as that baby is out, she is expected to turn into super mom with the abilities to suddenly multi-task, take care of a house and child, and (sometimes) return to work.

And let’s not forget the ever important look factor. So much pressure is put on a woman to lose all the weight that she spent the last nine months gaining.

I don’t know about most women, but i feel like the time for help from kind strangers is after the baby is born, not before.

Yes, i only gave birth to a 6 lb, 3 week early munchkin, but you know what? It still hurt like hell, even with an epidural. Because of the fact that i spent the next four days confined to bed rest (yay for pre-eclampsia), i was feeling alright after i was released because my body was finally healing. Most women don’t get that luxury. That six week postpartum rest is there for a reason, yet most don’t get to enjoy it because of the pressures put on them by society.

Yes, i’m blaming this on society once again. Women throughout the centuries have gone from the very essence of evil to gaining super powers. This is pretty evident in the fact that a woman is only allowed six weeks of recovery from what could be the most traumatic experience of her life. Only six weeks to spend with the new life she’s miraculously brought into this world.

I’ve had three months so far with Balian. Full time. 24/7. And i’ve loved it. I cannot even imagine going back to work at 6 weeks! I would love to work now, but i don’t want to leave him! There is this amazing and precious bond between mother and child those six weeks just doesn’t cover.

I say moms should be given a lot more help than they are offered. Doors should be opened for her. She shouldn’t be glared at for her crying child. And she definitely shouldn’t feel like she’s not welcome.

Doors are no longer held open for me. If i drop something, no one rushes to help me pick it up, even with a wriggling, screaming child in my arms. I’m not super mom. I haven’t lost all the weight.

But i’ve never lived up to society’s standards. Why start now?

Faith of a Spiderweb

Faith like a Spiderweb

            Lately I’ve been really challenging my way of thinking in regards to Christianity and religion. Actually, challenging isn’t really the word for it. Ignoring would be a more appropriate term. I’ve been ignoring God, I’ve been ignoring the Bible, ignoring anything and everything to do with all of it. Not because I doubt God’s existence. I firmly believe that He’s there and that He’s watching us and so on. My theology is screwed up at the moment. I’m not quite sure how to believe in God.  Trying to figure this all out is confusing, and i’ve turned into an incredibly lazy person. I’m lazy physically, mentally, but especially spiritually. If it requires too much thought or process, I don’t want to do it. Exercise takes away from my morning nap. And generally at night I’m trying to keep my munchkin awake so he’ll sleep through the night. I hate doing my homework because I feel as if i don’t have the mental capacity to do it, which isn’t true. I’m just that lazy.

Getting the picture yet?

            God tells us that we can move mountains with the faith the size of a mustard seed. Just a mustard seed. The funny thing about seeds is that they can grow to be great things. A mustard seed, for instance, gives us the mustard plant which is harvest to use in the making of my favorite condiment ever: mustard. You gain things with a mustard seed. It blossoms into something so much larger. But I don’t even have the faith of a mustard seed. My faith is more akin to a spider’s web. A spider’s web is made up of thin strands of whatever it is that comes out of a spider’s ass. These strands are not very strong to us. They can be easily wiped out, and the spider is then forced to rebuild. A spider’s web is used by the spider to catch whatever nasty creepy crawlies come its’ way.

This is what my faith is like. A web.

I can pull so much bs out of my ass without blinking an eye. Yes, I’ll pray for you, but I seriously doubt God hears it. Because it’s not real. I can say the prayer with as much compassion and conviction that I know, but it’s still not going to matter diddly squat because my heart and my mind are in the wrong places. I know nothing of the Bible, nothing of theology. I know nothing of God. My faith breaks loose with the slightest breeze, whether it is a good breeze or a bad one.

The worst thing about all of this? I have no desire to change where i’m at with God. At least, not at the moment. I keep trying to figure things out in my mind, and most of the time, it just doesn’t work. I’m a weak individual, and i’m totally unsure how to ask Him for help. Just asking is easier said than done. Maybe i’ll figure it out one day. And maybe on that day, i’ll be ready to take the challenges He has for me, instead of being a lazy Christian.

On being an Army wife

I have a whole sum total of four Army wife friends (Sandra Duran [soon to be Sandra Hicks], Amanda Blackiston, Hallie Bruce, and Janai Deitt). Of those four, i really only consistently with two of them. John isn't even in the real Army yet (he graduates from his training on December 9th) and i already feel so out of place. Being an Army wife means supporting your soldier regardless of what is going on in the world and regardless of what you think of his job or the government. Your soldier can't even really talk badly about the government in public. Since he has to show support, so must you.

Sometimes i feel like, even though he has one of the safest jobs in the Army (if there even is such a thing) he has the worst (for me). I know that, down the line especially if and when he decides to try for PsyOps, there will be days that he's gone and i won't know where. I know that, once he deploys, there will be times i won't hear from him for a month or more.

It sucks. Bad.

I'm not worrying about him now because i know where he's at all hours of the day (pt in the morning, then back to the barracks to shower and get ready for class, class until 4:15, then formation, then remedial pt, then dinner, then back to the barracks, then errands if he decides to run any). Right now it's simple. It sucks, because he's forever away, but it's simple. I can live with it because i can talk to him every night. But i don't know how i'm going to handle deployment.

I wasn't meant to be an Army wife. But now i find myself in the position that i have been made one, and i have to step up to the plate and become one.

I love my husband. He is everything to me, and i've told him repeatedly how proud i am of him that he is doing this. It hurts a lot for him that he can't be here. He wants nothing more than that. But he's set aside his own feelings, his own wants and desires, to do what is, first and foremost, right for his family. And i'm finding that as he does that, i'm finding strength to do that as well. First and foremost is our family. We each have two different roles to play. He's the provider, the protector. I am the caregiver. They are two very very different roles, but they weave into each other like a single piece of elven rope, inseparable and indestructible.

My job as an Army wife is just as important as his job as a soldier. While he's taking care of things on the front lines, i'm taking care of things here on the home front.

Now i just have to remember that during the times i can't talk to him. No one said this was going to be easy, but it's a challenge that i can and will overcome. And be all the better for it. :)

A Day in the Life

After a restless night’s sleep, I wake up with the first sounds of Balian’s fussing. After about an hour of listening to him toss and turn, waking himself up, he finally begins to cry. I pick him up and he quiets down. I take him into his room to change his diaper and get him ready for the day. I have two sets of onesies: one set for just hanging out around the house, and one set for when we go out. Today I put him in a lazy day one. Then I take him to the kitchen where he watches me make his bottle. It has to sit for about five minutes before he can eat, so we go and turn on the TV to Will and Grace, then we take the puppy outside. While Scotty wanders around doing his thing, I sit in a chair and play with Balian. When Scotty is finished, we go inside, sit in the chair, and he eats while I watch Will and Grace. Normally when he finishes eating he falls asleep and I hold him and watch The Golden Girls. When he wakes up, I set him on his back on the floor in the living room and we play. He loves to kick his legs and wiggle and laugh. If I smile at him, he’ll smile back. He also tries to copy a lot of the things that I do, like if I put my hands above my head, after a bit he tries to do it. He also watches my mouth intently and tries to talk. After a while of playing, I give him his medicine for his reflux. Then he has to wait thirty minutes before he can eat. I feed him again and then we feed the puppy. Balian plays for a while, and then takes another little nap on the floor. I use this time to write or to do homework. Sometimes, especially when he falls asleep on me, I’ll take him into our room and lie down with him until he wakes up. After he wakes up again, he eats again, plays for a few, and then goes down for a longer nap, generally a couple of hours. If he hasn’t gone down for this long nap by about 5, then he won’t take a long nap. I give him his medicine again, wait thirty minutes, and then feed him. After he eats, I finally get to eat. We sit and watch NCIS or Law & Order: SVU until about 8. In between 8 and 8:30 he gets a bath. He’s really beginning to like baths! He’ll laugh and giggle and splash and just have a good time! Until it’s time to get out and dry off. He still despises lotion being put on him. After he has his pj’s on and is all ready for bed, he gets his last bottle. After he’s fed and burped, we wait on John to call and say goodnight, then it’s off to bed. Once Balian’s in bed, I work on homework, talk to John, and write. I go to bed at midnight most nights, and am up about every two hours checking on Balian. At around 7:30 am, my day begins again.

Sin and Evil

The differences between what the Bible says and what our culture says are not incredibly different. Most people believe basically in the same values and beliefs. For example, almost every person, Christian or not, believes it is wrong to murder. They believe that a child should respect their parents regardless of situation. And nearly everyone values human life. But for everything similar, there is a contradiction. One thing that Christians are taught is that all humans are sinful from birth. The biggest problem for anyone (including Christians) in believing this statement is that by saying that humankind is sinful from birth you are including ALL of humankind. This includes men, women, and children, tiny babies. No one wants to think that the newborn that they are holding is a sinful creature. How can something that tiny, innocent, and defenseless be a sinner like me? From this stems the thinking that not all of man is sinful. Something happens that makes them that way. The man that abuses his children was abused himself. He doesn’t know anything different, which is why the cycle continues. I watched an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit that exemplifies this thinking. In the episode, a man was charged with the rape of five different women. They had solid, undeniable evidence (he had videotaped himself raping the women to put on a website), yet he pleaded not guilty for reason of mental defect. His defense? Porn made him do it. He was addicted to porn and because of the addiction he felt that he was lead to believe that the women he raped wanted it to be that way. Regardless, he was still found guilty and faced the maximum charge, but the fact that he even used that defense shows how off track our society, our culture, has become from what God has shown us and revealed to us through His word. We are all, every single one of us, sinful in nature.

            I think the other main problem people have with believing that they are sinful in nature is that they believe that sin means evil.  Having a sinful nature does not mean having or being evil in nature. They are two different things. I’m a sinful person. I was born that way, and although I try not to, I sin every day. My biggest sin is letting my temper get the best of me. My three month old son has my same temper and shows it every day. However, this does not make us evil. There are those who believe that drinking alcohol is a sin, but does it make you evil? Of course not! But our culture dictates that, instead of sin, anything that’s not good is evil. There is no middle ground, it’s only black or white. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. To a Christian, good is from God, the middle ground is sin (humanity), and evil is of Satan. You can be good and still sin. Everyone on earth is inherently sinful. No one is inherently evil.