Faith like a Spiderweb
Lately I’ve been really challenging my way of thinking in regards to Christianity and religion. Actually, challenging isn’t really the word for it. Ignoring would be a more appropriate term. I’ve been ignoring God, I’ve been ignoring the Bible, ignoring anything and everything to do with all of it. Not because I doubt God’s existence. I firmly believe that He’s there and that He’s watching us and so on. My theology is screwed up at the moment. I’m not quite sure how to believe in God. Trying to figure this all out is confusing, and i’ve turned into an incredibly lazy person. I’m lazy physically, mentally, but especially spiritually. If it requires too much thought or process, I don’t want to do it. Exercise takes away from my morning nap. And generally at night I’m trying to keep my munchkin awake so he’ll sleep through the night. I hate doing my homework because I feel as if i don’t have the mental capacity to do it, which isn’t true. I’m just that lazy.
Getting the picture yet?
God tells us that we can move mountains with the faith the size of a mustard seed. Just a mustard seed. The funny thing about seeds is that they can grow to be great things. A mustard seed, for instance, gives us the mustard plant which is harvest to use in the making of my favorite condiment ever: mustard. You gain things with a mustard seed. It blossoms into something so much larger. But I don’t even have the faith of a mustard seed. My faith is more akin to a spider’s web. A spider’s web is made up of thin strands of whatever it is that comes out of a spider’s ass. These strands are not very strong to us. They can be easily wiped out, and the spider is then forced to rebuild. A spider’s web is used by the spider to catch whatever nasty creepy crawlies come its’ way.
This is what my faith is like. A web.
I can pull so much bs out of my ass without blinking an eye. Yes, I’ll pray for you, but I seriously doubt God hears it. Because it’s not real. I can say the prayer with as much compassion and conviction that I know, but it’s still not going to matter diddly squat because my heart and my mind are in the wrong places. I know nothing of the Bible, nothing of theology. I know nothing of God. My faith breaks loose with the slightest breeze, whether it is a good breeze or a bad one.
The worst thing about all of this? I have no desire to change where i’m at with God. At least, not at the moment. I keep trying to figure things out in my mind, and most of the time, it just doesn’t work. I’m a weak individual, and i’m totally unsure how to ask Him for help. Just asking is easier said than done. Maybe i’ll figure it out one day. And maybe on that day, i’ll be ready to take the challenges He has for me, instead of being a lazy Christian.
Well you know what they say, the first step to solving a problem is recognizing you have one;) I think that despite your feelings you are headed in the right direction. One thing I've been challenging myself to do, when feeling lazy and unmotivated...is to do the things that I don't want to do anyway....some days it works and some it doesn't. On the days it doesn't I try not to beat myself up and remember that tomorrow is another chance to do those things.
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